I Have Been Here Before and I Will Be Here Again
I have been here before and I will be here again. My life. Right now. Is stuck. In survival mode. Survival. I want to make my way to thrival. But this feels so freaking comfortable. Just surviving. I know I have it in me to thrive again. I know I have it in me to HELP MY CHILDREN thrive again. But I am feeling beat down. Emotional bare. Vulnerable. Foundation cracked. Clawing out of this deep dark hole. I don't know how to get from here to the "light at the end of the tunnel." I do not know what "the next RIGHT step is." None of now is what I wanted. What I foresaw. What I envisioned. So any next step is a step in the dark. It's lonely. It's scary. And I have no freaking clue how to find my way to the next precise step. I want to listen to my internal compass. But it has been silenced for quite some time. I'm trying to learn how to tune back into THAT radio station again. My inner voice station. It's fuzzy, at best. Static. Even though I'm really trying to listen passed the noise of every day life. One step, they say. I'm here. I'm willing. I'm trying. These steps are hard. And there is so much guilt around knowing I haven't brought my children out of survival yet because I am still trapped in survival. So much guilt surrounding the desire to bring them to thrival - competent embracing of their authentic truth and selves. But when I as their caregiver is stuck on the bottom rung of the hierarchy, this is all I've got. I'm it. For better or worse. I can do this. I have to. But it is a dark and lonely place to be. Searching for the pinhole of the light at the end of the tunnel. Undoing. Unraveling. Falling apart so that I can weave the tapestry of a life I desire for myself ... and for us.