I did not know how STARVED I was for Me Time until life circumstances created an opportunity for it to exist. At first I didn't know what to do with myself. Like so many other women, I think, I constantly fill every bit of meridian time with to-dos. If I wasn't checking things off some list, I wasn't being productive. And being productive was one way I validated my (conditional) worth as a human being - particularly as a Mother, Partner, Woman. So the sweet silence of Me Time was, at first, deafening. I didn't know what to do with it. It was uncomfortable to have SO much time. Such a chunk of time. To do as I wanted? That was such a foreign concept.
On one of my first bursts of Me Time I painted cabinets. A whole set of kitchen cabinets. By myself. That seemed like a practical use and application of this span of hours. At first I dragged my feet at the notion of doing this chore, this task, alone. It seemed so huge, so daunting. But then I just started it. And while I was painting I listened to what I wanted. Music. Podcasts. Audiobooks. Oprah's Soul Series, Brené's YouTube videos. At first I HAD to invite these voices into my life because being in silence was too much. But these women lead me on a journey toward EMBRACING my Me Time a little more. I was feeling good. More fulfilled.
My soul was searching for answers and I felt in synchronicity with the Universe in such a way that I am finally ALLOWING myself to tune into those answers. I'm not "too busy" to hear them. I'm not so out of touch with my soul-stationthat I can't hear what it's saying. Little by little I'm hearing my internal voice again. It feels a little uncomfortable. I have needs? Wants? Desires? It has stirred up so many unfamiliar feelings. But instead of busy-ing my way through them (which, let's face it - as a Mom, business owner, homeschooling family, is EASY to do). I am SITTING with these feelings. The highs when they come.... but also the lows. And right now I'm digging so deeply that there are SO.MANY.LOWS. What I have come to realize is that, when I sit with the discomfort long enough, and tune into the stories surrounding my discomfort openly enough, I awaken to my own desires.
My Soul-Self has been hidden and buried beneath the many hats I wear daily. She is in there. She wants to talk to me. She wants a relationship with me. And so I am making Me-Time a priority in my life. Tiny bits ff I can muster - bigger bursts when life allows. At first they are uncomfortable - the pulling away - the saying goodbye - the welcoming silence - so uneasy I sometimes cry. And then I settle into the discomfort of all the swirling and I allow our relationship to unfold.
I remind myself that everything is exactly as it should be. I remind myself that I am strong. I remind myself that I am worthy of my own friendship and my own love. So my Soul-Self peeks out to play for a bit...... today we went for a date. Dessert before lunch. And then a burger and fries. A visit to the art gallery touring the many endless maze-like rooms and compartments. Reminding me of all the hidden places inside myself I can get lost in. A breath at the park, listening to the birds and feeling my toes in the grass. Grounding myself firmly to this beautiful Earth.
Sometimes, I think, I reach out to connect to others because what I really need, deep down, is to reach out and connect to myself. Until I fulfill that need, none of the reaching outward is going to fill and fuel my Soul-Self. What a great reminder. True love begins from the inside and radiates out. I'm doing my work. Because I choose to. It almost feels like it's not a choice, but a given. I am reminded that this soul-calling feels real to me and IS a choice. I could choose a different path. I could. But this is it. This is where I need to be. This is where I belong.
What do you need to give yourself permission for right now?